balloons

Balloons. Helium filled balloons.
I hold on to them real strong when I first get them. I don't want to let them go. They're light and amusing and when I run, they fly behind me.

Soon enough though, I go outside and let them go just to get the kicks out of seeing them soar up in the sky.

So then why?
Why do I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I let them go?

Why do I feel sad as they soar up and above?

Why do I feel bad about losing them?

I let them go in the first place, didn't I?

So, why?

of distances and space

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." - Grey's Anatomy [some episode or the other]

I couldn't have said better myself.
Please, invade my space. I'm tired.

hug

[Click on the strip for a clearer picture]

So I don't know how old this Calvin n Hobbes is, and I can't post up a link to it either because someone sent it to me on msn telling me how this was "SO ME".

And it's true.. I normally don't care for hugs at ALL, but I crib when I'm stressed and seeing as I'm undergoing finals these days.. it's all inevitable.. and I love how it all fits.. ab-fuckin-solutely love it.

yaaaaaaaar, what the hell..
I'm tired of all this work, and the finals, and job searches and the freakin relationship realm of problems and distractions looming over my head..

I will fuck everything up.

Why doesn't anyone read my other blog? yeh kya cheapness hai.

I also think I might be crazily in love.. and homophobic.. and just random rambling right now.

bye.

miss you.

...so much.
Please come back.
soon.
now.

for sale

For sale

Rose-tinted glasses

Almost new, no scratches, extremely rosy, guaranteed to make the world seem beautiful!

If interested, please contact Miss Brightnshiny at 1-888-OPTIMISM.

bitch mode

Another stressful week has come to an end. Finally. Thankfully. Amazingly. Gratefully.
blah.
I didn't think I had so much work to do this week, but everything piles in and then there's so much happening otherwise - mind-fucks, preppin' grad parties, issues of the boy-kind - it all just gets overwhelming and turns me into a stressed-out-sarcastic bitch. Mind you, it's not like I don't realize I'm being bitchy. I do, so I usually apologize to people in advance. Only, I don't think it matters.

Right now, I'm just grateful I don't have a deadline to meet until Wednesday and that Fridays are off for me. I'm kinda sleepy but I'm lovin' the random songs - khaike paan banaras wala - I love the SRK version, the song and the movie.

Also, I'm loving this post on challenges. It makes me wonder, if the only reason I'm still holding on to "you", is because I see a challenge in "you" and "I" being an "US". Maybe, if it was as easy as ABC, I would've never bothered. But, just so you know, there's only so much more effort I'm putting in before I give up. I usually complete a challenge once its shoved in my face. But really, stop testing my patience. I am, after all, human.

how I feel

I love gapingvoid.

If we're sticking to just being friends, then why do I feel endless pangs of jealousy when you even MENTION other women?
why do I love-hate you after you mention them?
why do you even mention them?

no.. wait..

why do we even TALK?!

bas. i'm tired..

physically AND mentally, personally and academically.

just so very tired.

Kaali Kaali Zulfon Ke

na chero humein, hum sataye huey hain
buhot zakhm seeney pe khaaye huey hain

sitamgar ho khoob pehchantey hain
tumhari adaon ko hum jaante hain

daghabaaz ho tum sitam dhaney waley
fareb-e-muhaabat mein uljhaaney waley

ye rangeen kahani tumhi ko mubarak
tumhari jawani tumhi ko mubarak

humari taraf say nigahein hata lo
humein zinda rehney do aye husn walo


- Kaali Kaali Zulfon Ke - Fana Bulandshahri

eid.. yeah..

This eid I missed my family.. again.
This eid I spent all day at school attending classes.. again.
This eid I did not dress up or wear chooriyan or put on mehndi.. again.
This eid I did not make any 'eid mubarak' calls, or send any 'eid mubarak' messages or emails.. again.
This eid I studied all day.. again.


As far as the exciting stuff is concerned:

This eid I failed a midterm.
This eid I came home at 9pm after failing a midterm, to work on another assignment.
This eid I haven't slept enough.
This eid I didn't get the ONE phone call I'd been looking forward to for months.
This eid I did not eat biryani.

Eid has finally lost its charm for me, it's now just another day.. just another BAD day.
So yeah, eid mubarak to all who still care.

intention..

"Every action, thought and feeling is motivated by an intention, and that intention is a cause that exists as one with an effect. … In this most profound way, we are held responsible for every action, thought and feeling, which is to say, for our every intention."

- 'The Seat of The Soul', Gary Zukav

sick

I'm sick.
And although medically this can't be proven.. but YOU make all the difference in the world. I suddenly feel better.

First u affect my sleep, then moods, and now my sickness.

This is just great.

Sometimes you're so fun. Other times, when you're even more fun, I wish I'd never known you.

haye, confusion.

tag =)

okay, I've been tagged by mahnoorie AND I'm super bored too.. so here goes..

Today:

height: 5'4"
color: pale
piercing: ears, just. That too cuz mommy got 'em pierced when I was 3, otherwise not a fan..
tattoos: none, although given serious contemplation =P

Right Now:

Time: 10:10pm
Mood: very meh..
taste: chai
the weather: so so so wintery cold.. I hate it =/
bad habit: the recently developed smokes.
current crush: Patrick Dempsey aka McDreamy *drool*
biggest regret: none that I can think of.. maybe I should study for my midterm now so I don't end up with MAJOR regret of failing..
Perfume(s): umm, abhi to Calgon ka Hawaiian Ginger body mist.. but that's not perfume..
Thing I want to do: have that yummy chocolate fudge cake that I've been thinking of since that past week but somehow haven't got the chance to get to it..

Favourite

TV show: currently, Grey's Anatomy.. otherwise, NOTHING matches up to Friends..
book: oh, a lot many..
non alcoholic drink: ummm.. water.. yeah I know, boring but I gorge water down by gallons.. not a joke.
milk drink: mango bubble tea in milk.. I generally HATE milk though.. sometimes I wish was lactose intolerant.. yuck..
brand: not big on brands.. but umm.. old navy, smart set would definitely top the list if there was one..
color: black and blue..
emblem: whatever, I don't pay attention.. oh, I like the 'peace' sign, does that count?
perfume: Tommy Girl, Cool Water for women, Be-Delicious by DKNY
designer: *roll eyes* - all over-rated.. however in desi though, nomi ansari and HSY have VERY pretty colors..
Chocolate: ALL THE CHOCOLATE IN THE UNIVERSE!

Have I Ever

broken the law: not intentionally.. but maybe
misused credit card: nope, but I would =P
skipped school: yes
fell asleep in the shower/bath: no, I'm phobic.. sleeping in a shower/bath reminds me of horror-like murder in the movies..
had children: no, I dont think so..
been in love: i guess..
been hurt: no.. well - yes.

Random

have a job: nope, but I would want one..
My CD player has what in it right now: I don't have a CD player.. but my mp3 list's currently playing Dude Looks Like a Lady by Aerosmith..
if I were a crayon, the color? black
what makes me happy? good food, being with family and A.

When/What Was the Last

I got a real letter: um, last week.. if the bank statement counts..
got an email: today, some crap forward I deleted without even reading..
thing I purchased: a 4gb ipod nano.. YEA BABY!
TV program I watched: Dance Like The Stars.. erm.. Jerry Springer sucks as a dancer..
movie I saw in the theaters: Pirates of The Caribbean - A Dead Man's Chest.. in a theatre in Pakistan.. just like mahnoorie.. lol..
hugged: oh, I don't remember.. it's been long.. I'm not a huggy person.. I prefer not-hugging.
song heard: Dude Looks Like a Lady.. :S oh, and now it's changed to Every Breath You Take.. lovely.
place I was [besides home]: at school.. wow, I have no life..
phone call: mommy.. =)
was depressed: Last month, when my summer vacation at home finally ended.. but I think I might be slipping into the depressive mode again.. sux.

What Comes to Mind When I Hear

car: Beemer.. blue.. cabriolet..
murder: blood. blood. blood. stabbing. screams. blood. blood. blood.
cape: supermannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..
cell: phone?
fun: weddings..
shoe: I want MORE!
crush: high school
music: food for soul..
love: a whole lotta bullcrap..
chalk: hopscotch on the streets


phew. and I tag everyone who ever stumbles across my blog.. =)

54!

a 54 year old drunk man hit on me today..
FIFTY-FUCKIN-FOUR!

I mean, I'd had enough of black men offering rides and gay men telling me I'm a pretty girl and then saying they didn't mean to be offensive..

but an OLD OLD man!

I seriously wanna like, go and drown myself now..

oh, and how do I know he was 54?
He TOLD me.. right about when he also told me where he was born, how miserable he was, how his wife left him for his best friend who was a black guy, how he wants to shoot them both, and how much welfare he gets for his apartment..

so yeah.

I'm just deciding on WHERE to drown myself..

suggestions are more than welcome.

one year

It's been one whole year.

Unbelievable.

Time's gone by fast.

But we'll never know, how every moment spent by those survivors has crawled by. Missing their parents, siblings, friends.

In general, just missing a life they had until one fine-unfine day. One year ago.

new york fries

This is an amazing ad for New York Fries. I cracked up the first time I saw it and now I stop and smile everytime I see it.
Plus, the fact that I absolutely love their fries, and the huge bucket in the ad, do wonders for a growling stomach during Ramadan.

[yeah, the camera in my phone is shit, so forgive the bad quality.]

big!

October 2nd, 2006.
I saw Aerosmith and Motley Crue perform live!
The light, the energy, the amount of people, the fireworks, the goosebumps, crazy Steve Tyler antics, HOT HOT HOT shirt-less Tommy Lee drumming, and most of all - AMAZING music!

I'm officially wow-ed.

blues

You know how you have a weird sinking feeling in your stomach when you anticipate something bad is going to happen?
I've had that feeling since the past 2 days. I don't know why. Life is pretty sane leaving aside school-stress, which has now become part of the sane-insane life. It's just so uncomfortable and distracting - this feeling. And I'm no sixth sense expert so it's not like something bad is going to happen just because oooh-I-can-feel-it-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach.
Maybe it's the fasting. It always drains me.
I miss sehri at home, when everyone used to wake up and ammi used to make parathas and anda and kabab and the works. Cereal, I'm sorry, is not sehri. And iftar in class, is not iftar.
So it sucks. And I have this freakin novel of a case study to do which seems like, way out of my brain's league.
And so life is beautiful.
Maybe not.
Maybe it is.

quoted

quote - We have an understanding, however, you should know; you don't have me, until you have me. - unquote.

So I succumbed to socializing this weekend. Much needed, I suppose.

Midnight ice cream cravings, so we decided to go to McDonald's nearby. My mind was all set on the chocolate sundae but coveniently enough, McDonald's closes early now that it isn't summer anymore. So we went to the store to pick up Ben 'n Jerry's but instead we got chocolates and lifesaver gummies and juices and tostitos and salsa and watnot.

Sang cheap bollywood on the street and ran inside after a dog barked at us. Then attempted watching Golmaal but it seemed too ridiculous. Hogged on the junk purchased previously and called it a night after the following conversation.

M (watching tv, comes across a nurse in a random ad): Ok, so what do nurses remind u of?
Me: Umm.. Grey's?
S: Well, I don't know about u, but nurses remind ME of Rakhi Sawant!
[everyone in fits of uncontrollable laughter]

Selective perception in life is good.

invisible

I feel empty. Lonely. Like I have no friends. No actually, I do have friends, I just don't wanna meet them. Everytime I come across a familiar face at school after the summer, I duck and hide and wait for them to go away. Everytime my room-mate wants to talk, I pretend to be either tired or sleepy or busy with work. I want to be in hiding. I want to avoid everyone and even though its out of choice, I still feel lonely. It's stupid right? I'm doing this to myself. I have so much cooped up inside, it's making me all depressed. Maybe that's why I'm doing the "underground" act, because I don't want anyone to know 'incompassionate and cold' me has issues of the emotional kind. I don't want to share. I never share. Yet, I want to get myself away from this fuckin sword hanging over my head. It doesn't end me, it's just there, upsetting me. Everytime it comes closer, it scrapes and it hurts. It pulls away, but it's still hanging.
I feel paranoid. Like everyone's judging me. I hate being judged. I hate people who judge. I feel everyone judges. I hate everyone. Maybe I just feel insecure. Why must it always happen to me? Why must I try so hard? Why must I give so much and get nothing in return? Why should I cry over a chance I never had? WHY DID YOU FUCKIN HAVE TO FUCK UP MY LIFE?! Why are you still screwing with it?
and most importantly, why do I let you?

I hate you.

Atleast..

I wish I did.

A fullstop will never suffice for it all. Only a series of them... -zs

I wish I could close the book and call it THE END.

chance

“You're letting her think you're emotionally available, you're letting her think she has a chance and there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't”.

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, Season 2 Ep. 2

bah.

Aik to na, I'm sick of these aunties who absolutely CONFIDENTLY claim and predict how I'm going to get married right after I graduate. Like honestly, care about your own daughters, my mom can very well think about those issues and she'll definitely CONSULT me before making any predictions about my wedding. JEEEEEEZ!
I have a life, some ambitions, the goal of 'actually BEING someone' which I have yet to achieve and even if I didn't have to do all of those, I'm ONLY 22, so like.. give me a break will you!
And in any case, with the current happenings, getting married is the least of my priorities and will be for a very long time. Stupid gossiping aunties!
I'm really really annoyed at how some people STILL think girls, or even guys in some cases, should get married as soon as they're 'ready' [which according to them, is at 16 *roll eyes*]. Can they not see the evolving world, changing priorities and just generally, a more independant generation, who can pick and chose, make decisions and stick by them, accomplish something in life other than parenting, feel like they need to achieve something professionally, financially and academically?
Khair.
I played 3 dollars worth of Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade today. Quite fun it was, stress relieving AND good exercise. I think I might go again. Soon. I just need distractions in life. I think too much about things that are totally not happening and then depressive mode starts to show. Not good. Not me.

you still...

Taken from: http://www.gapingvoid.com/

Disclaimer: this post is majorly whiny.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm staring at the empty space, wanting to write, wanting to express myself. There's so much running through my brain at the moment. Stuff that is to be decided but left in the 'procrastinating segment' of the brain to ponder over later just because life is too beautiful right now and you don't want to waste a single moment thinking about something, that you know for a fact, will make you blue. Well now is when I need to dig up all that I'd been storing inside and seriously decide on what to do, regardless of whether it makes me blue, yellow, orange, green, black or red.

But I don't want to.

Why must our lives be so dependant on other people? Why must our decisions affect others? Why must there be so much interference? Why can't I have total control of when, what, how and who? Why do they make it seem like the decision is ours when we aren't even given a choice? Why must there always be pressure? Why can't we have enough space so we can avoid hasty spur-of-the-moment decisions and have no regrets later on? Why must every spontaneous step taken involve thinking it over a million times? And then soon enough realizing it was a mistake SOLELY because it might not be acceptable by OTHER PEOPLE? What about me, myself? Why must a decision include within itself everyone else's well-being except our own? Why do I have to pretend to like people when I don't? Why do I have to pretend to not care when I do and vice versa?

Why can't I just be like the lead characters in a Mahesh Bhatt movie? They usually don't have a background, or relatives, or anyone else who'd feel ashamed just because the girl is a dancer at a club or does something that's unacceptable according to the society's norms. [not implying that I want to be a dancer at a club etc but you get the gist.]

I'm just so frustrated. All of this might seem like random rambling but it makes sense to me. It's my life, my issues, my problems. Even the venting seems useless because all I have is unanswered questions, solutions to which are bound by restrictions set by social norms. Bah. Why does it all have to keep on getting more complicated?

Why do I feel like I'm stuck in a labyrinth awaiting Minotaur and no Theseus to kill it?

argh.

Was it Richard Bach who said, "If you love someone, set him free; if he comes back, he is yours; if he does not, he never was."?
I think it was. I'm too lazy to google right now. The quote is a famous one and it's stuck in my brain particularly because back in Karachi we had a huge wall hanging/poster/board with this quote on it and I would see it every time I'd go up or down the stairs.

Khair, so I've let him free, but he keeps on coming back, then he pushes me away, then he comes closer again?

So if Bach [assuming it was really him who said this] was alive, what would his profound words be, given the situation I just described above?

Takers?

'us'

merey kol ni..
heeriay merey kol ni..
dil mera le le ni..
aakey cheer ke le ja ni..

Rishi Rich is amazing, Juggy D matches the amazingness..

I love this song. For more than just the fact that it's very catchy and full of awesomeness.

It takes me back to random car rides, incessant unrepeated music thanks to the ipod, pretending to not acknowledge each other's presence, saying things to other people in the car while directing it towards each other, eye contact in the rear view mirror, unsuccessful beach plans, surprise show-ups, itwar bazar, drivery duties, non-stop text messaging starting at 8:30am with the word "morning" and ending at 3am or later with a "good night =)", rain-flood encounters, watching me fix my dupatta in the mirror and calling me 'self-obsessive' when I catch you looking, intentionally leaving the vicinity I'm in and then blaming me for not calling you back, looking all confused when ur phone beeps with my message even though we're a few footsteps away, arguing if the brown one with a tinge of black hair on his head is ernie or elmo, getting too close and then pulling away. Again and again... and again.

"SJ, how many times do I tell u, there's no US."

You tell me there's no us. But do u really mean it?

bittersweet

Talking to u..
I feel bittersweet emotions..
Sweet, because I thought you were the one.
Bitter, because I was wrong.

I feel like I'm leaving so much behind.

It's different this time. It's a lot harder, a lot more depressive, a lot being left at stake, a lot left unresolved, a lot remaining in denial.

The thought of coming back to it after a whole year makes me feel even more remorseful.

Why oh why couldn't I have stayed an extra week.

I hate being addicted to someone, it kills me.
I hate good byes.
I hate living across three different continents.
I hate having to leave.
I hate what-ifs.

I hate uncertainty.

Everytime I see you, my heart still skips a beat.
I hate being affected by you so much.
I don't acknowledge your presence, but it I feel it and it overwhelms me to an unexplainable degree.
I miss you and I hate myself for that.
What did I ever do to you?

How did we ever go from being mere acquaintances, to liking each other, to sharing secrets, to being such close friends.. to complete strangers?

shoot myself

While my brother and I were watching tv, this song comes up..

Me: arghhh, if I watch this song ONE more time.. I'll shoot myself..

Brother pretends to fiddle with the remote, looks at me, then looks at the tv..

Bro: actually u know what, go shoot urself!

*speechless*

'just' friends

How can we fuckin' just be friends after all that's happened?

How can we just be friends after I have all these ideas instilled in my brain?

How can we just be friends after those gazillion phone calls that u and I both made?

How can we just be friends when those phone calls clearly hinted the 'likeness'?

How can we just be friends after having 8-hour long conversations about nothing and still having a smile plastered across our faces by the end?

How can we just be friends after telling each other how we needed wake up calls, when all we really wanted was to hear each other's voice first thing in the morning?

How can we just be friends after managing to finish each other's sentences?


I'm sorry.
I need to tell u I can't go back.
But I cant.
Even though u're a bastard for leading me on.
I still miss u.
Fucker.

an ode to crazy friends

My friends are crazy and thats an understatement. Either that or they just miss me terribly. And I honestly believe in the prior.
So I sleep late these days. The likes of 5 am-ish. Last night [morning?] was no exception. At around 7:30 am, my phone goes ballistic ringing. I was more than half dead, so obviously I couldnt even figure out it was my phone, and when I finally came to and picked up, I hear the voice of my friend, who's also my roommate, in utter hysteria. This is how the conversation followed.

Me: Are u crazy! It might be late night where you are but its 7 bloody 30 here.. I'm SLEEPING!
S: I'm really sorry.. I didn't realise it'd be that early.. but listen, now that u are up, we reallyyyy need ur help here..
[apparently, a good 10 people were over...]
Me: okay, WHAT?
S: okay, so u know how u connect ur laptop to the tv and we watch movies..
Me: OMFG! Please DO NOT tell me u called me at THIS hour to ask me THAT!
S: Pleaseeeeeeee... we really wanna watch this movie.. and we've been trying for so longgg.. and we can't work it.. and ure our techie.. and we miss u.. and we love u.. [insert other buttering-up terms..]
Me: okayyy okayyyyyy.. how far off are u guys?
S: Well, we've connected the cable.. now what?
Me: *Groan*
So well, I explain the whole process to a technologically impaired person, while she asks a dozen questions.. I'm obviously agitated and half asleep.. but we end up successful in the end.
Me: I still can't believe u called me to ask me that!!
S: Thank u sooooooooo much.. I love u.. and I'm so sorry but I had no one else to ask..
oh and by the way, I knew exactly what the time difference was.. I knew it was 7:30am. Forgive me. Luv u again. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Me: WHAT!? I soooo knew! argh.. BYE!

And later on, I find out, that the call wasn't even made through a calling card. It was a direct call.
Talk about craaaaaaaaaaaazy.

And at that.. another one just said something that I have to post.
Referring to her love for Juggy D and the likes..
"My life is SO DEPRIVED without the deserved NECESSITY of a punjabi boy to serenade me with his music AND dancing."

hahahaha.

I LOVE my girlfriends. =D

lonely

Listening to: Akon - Lonely


You know you're lonely when you listen to sad songs, sigh and msn Encarta Instant Answers with the downs in your life, just for the sake of sharing your current state of mind with someone [something].

Amazing

sometimes boy band songs touch the strings of your heart and totally reach your soul with the lyrics..

its "Amazing" by Westlife this time...

old, but nevertheless, when I heard it.. it seemed like I'd voiced my feelings, and right there and then someone had penned them..

*sigh*

we could be more than just amazing...

song courtesy: http://www.seekasong.com

It has hence been proven.
I've lived in denial for long enough.
This establishes the fact..


...that I have NO will power.

ABSOLUTELY NONE.

I hate the block contact option on msn. I hate being used by it. I hate using it on people. And I generally don't block people because if I don't like them, I tell them that to their face.

Now when I have to use it. I feel guilty.
If I didn't use it, I'd feel guiltier.
Meh.
this sux.

I also realised it's been 4 years since I've been out of school. I feel so old.
sigh.

On a merrier note, one of my friend's much younger sibling is very creative. This one quote, quoted by him is hilarious!

"Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination.. he stuck his thumb right up his bum & died from constipation."

have I ever mentioned I NEVER liked Barney?

finally home!

I've been neglecting my blog. But I'm home and I'm ecstatic and jet-lagged. All I do is sleep and watch movies and tv. No academic stress whatsoever. It seems surreal. VERY surreal. It always takes time to sink in.
I've also started praying, which makes me feel so much more at peace. It's amazing how everything starts resolving itself.
There come problems and dilemmas and issues. There come moments when u start losing faith. But if u're strong-willed and hold on and pray like u've never wanted anything more than this one thing surrounding ur life, it eventually comes around.
It happened when I wanted to get into a university.
It happened when I had visa issues.
It happened when I wanted to pass my driving test.
It happened when I was unsure about passing an exam.
It happened when I wanted the desired grades.
It happened when I wanted certain memories/scars to be wiped out from my life.
It happened when I missed home and cried.

This time I want someone.
Please make a way out.
Please make it work.

I'm waiting... patiently.

Now that I'm done exams and pretty much school for the next 4 months, one would think I would actually have time to waste on things like watching movies and blogging and senseless browsing the internet. Hah, I WISH!

As much as I wanna go back home, I hate this whole process of cleaning up a whole year's mess, packing, buying gifts, getting all my documents in place, bidding friends good-bye for a while, and making sure I'm not leaving anything important behind in general.

This is all do-able still.
What I just can't seem to cope up with is all the uncertainty surrounding my life. Career-wise - although I still have an academic year to go - I don't know where I'll be after that, which is a little disturbing. Relationship-wise - I just DON'T know what's going on. I just thought it was all about voicing and making the mutual "likeness" known. Whoever thought that would bring with itself so many questions, so many doubts and just so many other weird situations. As much as I want it, I don't know how it'll turn out. I see glimmers of hope and then dark clouds and then glimmers of hope again. Uncertainty again, don't know what to make out of this. I'm involuntarily losing appetite and sleep and I know think it's doing me any good physically. People tell me I've lost weight, but honestly, the way it's been lost isn't long lasting anyways so I try not to be too happy about it.

I seek solace in music. Sad songs. Happy songs. Dance songs. Depression-type songs.
It is absolutely amazing how much every sad song relates to ur situation when u're upset.

Oh please, let this phase pass soon.

Confused, uncertain, locked-in emotions, frustrated, afraid, guilty, stubborn, sarcastic, arrogant, bollywood freak, badtameez, mood-swings, impatient.

All of the above describes me.

Please bear with me, help me, stay by me.. and I'll try to be a better person.

Just for you.

tu bin bataye

This just HAS to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard..
It mesmerizes me every time I listen to it.. and it's been on repeat for a while now..
I'm all goosebumpy..

[The quality probably sucks.. sorry about that...]

*edit*:

Movie: Rang De Basanti

Composer: A R Rehman

Singers: Madhushree & Naresh Iyer

Lyrics: Prasoon Joshi

So I have finals in 4 days, but I'm quite obviously preoccupied with other occurrences.
Study pressure is screwing me over. Mind games are too time and energy consuming. Uncertainty is killing me.

All I'm doing is listening to tons and tons of bhangra and other old-school songs, occasionally dancing on cheap gaanay such as "chunari chunari", getting random pictures taken with my girlfriends, not eating enough [which is working wonders for my diet], and getting entertainment from The OC, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy as well as a million other comedies.

With the exam doom starting on the 7th, the finance textbook awaits in a lonely corner of the room, waiting to be opened, waiting for the words and numbers it holds to be ingrained in someone's brain.
Not knowing however, that the certain someone has priorities, with finance definitely not being at priority number 1.

P.S. Rang De Basanti is amazing, and that is an understatement.

P.P.S. I FUCKIN HATE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!

He says, "We both know something's going on.. something we are clearly being oblivious to.. you and I both.."


Oblivious it is.

I'm not gonna make a move.

Just say it dammit!

is it just me or is himesh reshammiya music REALLY addictive!?



terey bina meri subah nahee chalti..
sohniyee.. sohniyee..

wow - NOW I know what the words "busy" and "overworked" mean..

dictionary definitions do NO justice to words like these..

it's all about practical experiences babayy..

No matter how much someone might claim to care for u, the truth is.. they're lying. It's a big fat wordly lie. They might not say it, but it shows.. every once in a while.. in their conversations, in their actions.

You know what, I don't care. Not for u, not for anyone else. It hurts now, but atleast I dont lie and hurt u with slips of tongue and actions that blow disinterest in my face. Atleast I don't lie to u to save someone else. I'm sick of this, I might come across as being stupid, but I'm actually not. I'm observant and I watch everything closely. I don't say it, but that doesn't mean I dont have an opinion.

I just choose to be quiet.

It's my life and I dont bloody need any sympathy. Liar.

tag

Since I need to update my blog, yet nothing noteworthy has happened, I will utilize the perfectly timed tag by enyur..

So, the 8 qualities I look for in a perfect partner..

1. He must own a huge mansion.

2. He must have lots of money.

3. He must own a Mercedes. [the BMW is MY goal.]

4. He must love me more than his money. [i.e. heed to all my financially demanding requests.]

5. He should be tall, dark and handsome. [I quite adore goaties as well..]

6. He should have a kick ass sense of humour, yet be serious and responsible as situations change.

7. He needs to be good in... ahem.

8. oh, and did I mention he needs to be rich?


he he he..

memories

The memories are all washing away - like the raindrops on a window pane.

A: why dont u ever sms me?
me: becauseeee, my last month's phone bill was $194, I HAVE to stop using my phone excessively..
A: WHAT? kis se baatein karti rehti ho?
me: matlab, if u can jolt ur phone memory a little bit, I sent u a gazillion messages..not as if that amounted to $194 but still it was a major contribution.. wesay bhi international texting is bloody expensive if done in bulks! :S
A: hahahaha, sucker, its only 5 rupees for us..
me: to tum kara karo na text.. mein kyoon karoon..
A: haan chalo mein hi kar loonga..

a few days later..

A: msges ka reply to ker diya karo manhoos..
me: konsey msges.. I just got one at like 4 in the morning asking me what I was doing! argh!
A: haan haan jo bhee..
me: waqayee nahee miley..
A: So.. u can be considerate enough urself and message me sometime..
me: you know my phone bill story.. dont make me repeat it.. I'm usually not a cheapskate..
A: nahee, mein to wesay hi keh raha hoon.. kiya karo message.. so that I can pretend I never received them and not reply back at that..


arghhh! I quite like u.. but really now.. I'm THIS close to being bankrupt.. I dont have a job and I still have to last two months before I can go home and TOTALLY get pampered by my parents..
*sigh*

P.S. I know eh, maybe he just misses me.. lol..

There's people in your life that u know inside out. And then there's people in ur life that u've sorta 'seen around' but don't necessarily know much about them.
And it's amazing how u might go on for 20 years of ur life just knowing of their existence and they knowing of urs, but u never really make an effort to be more than acquaintances.
And then when fate finally throws u in the same scenario and u do get to know each other, u just cant get enough of talking to them about the randomest things from concerts to movies to what they showed last on the National Geographic about the duck-billed platypus.
You get so addicted to each other that u both contemplate blocking the other on the count of 3 but never really go on with the plan.
You share the same taste in food starting from peach yogurt to grape ice cream to chocolate mousse at this one particular place to even the same flavor of jolly ranchers.

And it all turns freaky when we end up saying the same things at the same time; and it turns super freaky when we find out we've been reading the same book at the same time when both of us have absolutely NO WAY of knowing of the other's intention to read the book.

The everyday afternoon talks are super addictive. It's wrong to be so dependent.. yet, it all feels so right.

meh

I can't believe it's Thursday already. I haven't done jack shit as far as studying is concerned and reading week is almost over. What the hell, we need to have two reading weeks. Don't they realize suicide rates are at an all time high? *sigh*

but anyways, I'm glad atleast aik week off to milta hai. Sleep when u want, wake up when u want.

I finally managed to complete Mystery Case Files, super addictive game of the year. Experimented with cooking and successfully made besani roti. Been cleaning around the house more than I would like. Made a spontaneous trip to Eaton Centre and senselessly spent money. Fell in love with Zara's clothes all over again. Had the wickedest pad thai at Spring Rolls and strolled on Younge St. with charsi friends and yummy menthol smokes.

I so don't wanna go back to school. That's when all hell breaks lose.

Forgive me for the monotony. But I just wanna go home. Regardless of all the occasional fun times I have here.

I just wanna go to my parents, my annoying sisters, my room, my bed, my pillow, my comforter, my HOME.

This post is super senseless.

I also want a trendy Guess bag.

I don't feel like blogging, or orkutting or chatting or even watching tv. I'm perpetually tired and all I want to do is sleep. Be it at home in the comfy bed, or the uncomfortable seats on the bus, or the couch in the tv lounge. I don't even know how I make it through classes without a minute or two of shut-eye, and how I manage to be attentive and participate in class [which is absolutely essential, since my classes have a significant amount of participation marks]. But the moment I'm out of there, its like my mind becomes one-track and focuses ONLY on slumber.
I just hope this is a phase because quite OBVIOUSLY, its not contributing to my academics very positively.

I am also becoming too whiny. This needs to stop.

I need to go home now.

I'm just SOOO pissed off and annoyed at the moment.

Stay clear everyone.. SUPER BITCH alert!

I'm not enjoying the ODIs at all.

Inferior batting, inferior bowling, inferior fielding.

India deserved to win the one it did.

yawn

These days, I'm in the state of being always tired and wanting to sleep. Makes me wanna turn back time to when I was 8 and my mom had a strict rule of me being in bed by 9.

I wish she would impose that rule on me now... so that I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving work to be done today for tomorrow.. *sigh*

utter destruction!

Wow - what a match! what a match! Mohammad Asif is a true find and a definite keeper. I havent seen such in-line bowling by a Pakistani bowler in such a long time!

Thats about ALL I gotta say.. the pictures say the rest.

Sehwag gone. The middle stump flies. The ball doesnt even touch the leg stump or the off stump. What line!

Mohammad Asif sends VVS Laxman's middle stump for a walk...

Aaaand.. Tendulkar bites the dust. The off-stump this time, goes for a spin in the air.

Pictures courtesy: Cricinfo

Finally, a test match, where reaching a result will be inevitable.
Rest assured, every one of those people, who actually paid money to watch a Pak vs India test match being held after 16 long years at the National Stadium, truly got their money's worth.

I must admit, however, the first over had me swearing left, right and centre. The whole picture, however, was an acceptable one. Kudos to Kamran Akmal!


And I hate each one of u who went to the Bryan Adams concert. I really don't need to know how much it rocked or how much u enjoyed it. Really, now!

argh

So I was trying to burn a movie on a DVD, and after spending enough time on looking for an easy to use software/addon/plugin, toiling around with it to figure out how it works; my darned computer crashed on me while the burning process was half way through. A total waste of time, effort and a dvd.

Not to mention, that the precious time wasted could've been utilized to its best by cramming Corporate Finance and the assignment that follows it.

The fact that I feel extremely frustrated right now goes without saying. Thank you A, for sending me this beautifully serene song. I really need it at the moment to stop hyperventilating.


Listening to: Deepak Chopra feat. Demi Moore - Desire

If anyone needs to soothe their brain cells and can't find the song, then just ask. =)

Work , work and more work. Slacking off is making me pay like it always does.

When will I learn?

OMG

ok - now this may not come around to be outrageous for some people but it pissed me off majorly. So if u think it's not that big deal then shoo off.

So, its Sunday and S and I are at home at around 7:30ish. I'm sweeping the kitchen floor and S is waiting for some people to come and pick her up. Now, S is a time freak and she does NOT like waiting at all, so she's peeping out the peephole to see if they're here yet. Suddenly, she sees this kid around 11 years old come up to our door.

S: this kid's come up to our door. He might be selling candy for charity.
Me: yeah, if its chocolate, I definitely want some.
S: (hears something strange): SHIT! he's pissing it our door!!
Me: OPEN THE DOOR AND SWEAR AT HIM!
S opens door. The kid wets his pants this time.
S: what the HELL do u think ure doing?
kid: nothing.
S: what the fuck do u mean nothing. You were pissing at our door!
kid: No, I wasnt.
S: LIAR! I saw u through the peephole. what the hell's ur name?
kid (almost shitting his pants now): I'm not telling u.
S: WHAT is ur NAME? where do u live? what kinda parents do u have. Parents who tell u to piss at others door. what the hell's wrong with u twit ?!
Meanwhile I come up with a broom in my hand.
Me: what the FUCK!? I'm calling the cops. (not meaning to of course, but I was mad pissed at that kid)
kid (ready to cry): no please dont. I'm SORRY! someone dared me to.
S: yeah ok, but we're calling the cops.
kid (SO crying): I'm sorry. I've already said it. Isn't that enough?
S: No it isnt enough. Who the hell are u pissing at our door?

S calls out to me to call the cops, the kid's in BAD shape. I tell S in urdu to tell the guy to clean his piss and we wont call the cops on him. S turns around to face me and says how do we make him clean it. By that time the kid has sprinted off. We both started laughing at his harassed expression.
Now all this time we're thinking his piss is outside. S closes the door and looks down on the floor.

S: AAAAH! That HIS piss INSIDE OUR HOUSE!
Me: NO FUCKIN WAY! BASTARD! BHENCHOD! How the fuck do we CLEAN it?!

So we're both throwing a panic attack. TOTALLY grossed out! S's ride comes and she leaves, leaving ME to attend to some unknown white kid's piss. I, for the record, have never even cleaned a bathroom. I sorta have a 'deal' with my housemates in which I clean most part of the house and in return they wash the bathroom.

Khair, in state of utter panic, I call M, narrate the whole story and ask her HOW to get the piss off, cuz I'm thinking NOTHING can disinfect that area on the floor. So anyways, with her instructions and some of my own brainstorming, while wearing gloves and using up a whole new roll of paper towel, I actually cleaned that area 3 times with vim, 3 times with another bathroom cleaner, twice with windex, twice with another disinfectant, and twice with a fabric freshner. Same goes for the door. And all this while swearing non-stop in EVERY language I know.

Anyways, moral of the story is:
If u ever see any kind of liquid at ur doorstep or even inside ur house [if u DONT have a liquid proof door like us], or if u see something sprayed outside ur door, NEVER EVER assume its just water or melted snow. ITS some random gora's PISS!! DISINFECT immediately!

celebrity twin!

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Mischa Barton

Funky, bohemian, and girly.

Who's Your Celebrity Style Twin?

aright! =)

I, being the hotter of course.

I, also being the one living in denial... lol.

weekend randomness

So another week commences. Same old school, assignments, projects, 8:30 am classes. It's a bitch I tell ya. It's Monday and I'm already looking forward to the weekend, anticipating it anxiously and hoping it will be something like the last one. Super amazing.

So the weekend was a rollercoaster ride that started with tobogganing slash snow tubing with my lil' cousin, [massive adrenaline pump-up, although I must admit I was shit scared of the speed initially, and believe it or not, my 8 year old cousin was a big support in me overcoming that fear.] which later metamorphosed into an unsuccessful attempt of making a snowman, and eventually lead to a nasty snowball fight. And then, the hyper-active weekend ended with transitions between and repetitions of 'ooh, he's so fine' and 'yummyyy, I'm SO marrying him', while watching "Bluffmaster", with my other newly-turned-teen cousin.

Meeting up with family was never this rewarding. Much much younger cousins were never so much fun. And Abhishek Bachchan has never looked this HOT!

whiny

It's only after u decide to call it a day, u slip into ur comfy bed and just think for a few minutes before slumber dawns, that u start recalling things that u had just left unnoticed during the ridiculously fast-paced day.

Till date, I'd always assumed that my closest friends had the same personality and behaviours as myself; and that was the main reason we got along so well.
Today, I realised, how untrue that was.
Today, I realised how differently we all conquered sadness.
One of us just moped around the house, telling everyone else how the expressions on their faces were so blah, it was killing her. She engrossed herself in packing her clothes, shopping for last minute stuff and lying on her bed every half hour.
The other one was extra chirpy, saying she didn't wanna leave in the goofiest tone possible, watching tv, again repeating she didn't wanna leave in another even more goofier tone and so forth.
I, however, had the "if-u-come-near-me-i'll-bite-ur-head-off" expression on my face, bitched at everyone and everything possible. Blatantly refused to help with any packing or anything else for that matter. Indulged in over-eating and again bitched at how stupid everything was.

I'm sorry girls. I just didnt want u to know how upset I was at u leaving. I shall miss u much. =(