October 20th, 2007 to October 24th, 2007 - best ever week of my life.
so much has changed. for the better. it seems like it's all really happening now. magical, to say the least.
Everytime I think I can't love u any more than I do now, I stand corrected.

pause

The way you paused after I said 'good night'. A pause in an expectation to hear something before I hung up. And how you exclaimed 'I love you too!' when I said it.
That has expressed your feelings for me better than all the times you've actually tried to put them in words.

I really hope you know what you're doing.

Cuz if this screws up just because you were too scared to actually take control, I'm NEVER gonna forgive you for scarring my life and shattering my beliefs.

and YES, it's more important for me than it will ever be for you.

Please. Don't let it be too late.

Little things hurt. The most trivial of things, they really hurt. Today has by far been one of the worst days of my life. It wouldn't have killed you if you'd given me 5 minutes of your time and made me feel better.
Like I said, little things really hurt.

How do you deal with situations that are really wrong but feel incredibly right?
Moreover, what do you do when you become addicted to consciously creating such situations hoping to be helplessly caught in them?
I don't regret anything. I don't feel guilty. This is how it is, and I'll go an extra mile to make sure it stays this way.

Soon, all the wrongs will turn into rights. This is how it's meant to be. This is how it will be. InshaAllah =)

4th July, 2007 - Deja Vu
5th July, 2007 - Computer ruse
19th July, 2007 - Guiltily ecstatic

All that and everything in between. And for all that is yet to come. Thank you. I love you.

It's been a while since I blogged. Didn't feel the need to crib or complain about anything, Allah ka shukar. I'm home =).

roses

They say women are complicated.
but oh boy, men are a WHOLE new ballgame.

16th April 2007, he sent me red roses, and then denied for the longest time that he'd sent them.

If you can care enough to send them, then what gives babe?

sigh. touchwood.

potpourri of unpleasantness

So here's the deal. I'm feeling these weird unpleasant emotions on the inside all at once. They're making me feel all hollow and queasy. It's not my fault and although you've said sorry, at the end of the day sorry is just another word and moreover, it's a word that's been said so many times now, it seems meaningless. I wonder if I should be annoyed, angry, sad, depressed, irritated, sympathetic, pissed off, cold, or supportive. All at the risk of losing everything. I need to choose one emotion and stick by it. But I can't pick and choose because I just don't know what's the right thing to do right now. Why must you do this to me? I've stood you by everything that you've been through and I still am. I've taken you when you've been depressed and in the pits and a bitch to me. I've been there for you not only during the happy times, but during the bad times too. And that hasn't been a favour to you. I did it because I wanted to. Because I wanted to be close to you. Because you mean more than the world to me, cliche as that may seem. I should be telling you all this, but I can't because with your state of mind, these words will fall on deaf ears. The emotions embedded in these words will be overlooked and everything I have to say will be eyed suspiciously and thrown back in my face, leaving me to question why I ever bothered with anything at all in the first place.
When I was young, I'd promised myself that I'd never emotionally attach myself to anyone for fear of being hurt. But you changed the way I thought and felt, and that is quite an accomplishment in itself, considering how stubborn I am. Now I ask you, why must you make me regret? Why must you hurt me over and over again? Why must I give in all of myself only in the HOPE of just getting back a fraction of you in return? Why must I only be the brunt of your depression and why must the others still get your happy facade? Why must I only hurt, between the two of us? Why must it affect me to the degree of miserableness for prolonged periods of time, distracting me from doing anything and everything, while for you it's just an unpleasant phase that fades away in a matter of an hour at the most? Why must one little harmless sarcastic thing I say trigger so much resentfulness inside you, and all the sweet nothings and expressions of love mean nothing? Where did I go SO wrong to have deserved all of this?

No, I don't want you to apologize. Don't say sorry because this little word doesn't seem to curb the pain caused by all your other words. Sorry does not seem to erase the sinking feeling I get inside me everytime you reject my phone call, or when you tell me you don't care because you're so numb.

If this is a nightmare, it needs to end soon. If it's a joke, then it lost its funny a long time ago.

I tried. I really did. You just never gave me a chance. And every moment of the day, I wish you had. One whole-heartedly given chance.

I'm still trying. It isn't too late.

falling

Everytime you're upset, I get a little sad too. But that is still okay. What kills me is pretending to be happier than I really am at that point, just so some of 'being happy' rubs off on you. What kills me is pretending to be funny when I really don't feel it, in the hope that maybe one of the corny jokes will atleast make you smile.

I'm holding on real strong now but I'm afraid I might slip.

I need you to hold on to me too, so that I know even if I do slip, you'll still be there holding on to me to prevent the fall.

ALMOST done.

2nd April 2007 - attended the last class of my undergrad university career and then went to party at night with a bunch of friends, biryani and seekh kabab, bhangra blaring and numerous dance partners. Only to come home later and realize I still have 3 finals lined up to actually get that degree I've worked my ass off for the last 4 years.

Yes, after 2 weeks and 3 exams, I will InshaAllah be able to put a 'GRADUATED' on my resume.

Employers, grab me.

I wonder why I feel so shitty.
I either wanna cry or I wanna puke.
Just feel so low, too many things, yet nothing.

There's no place like home. I miss my mommy. I need my space. Leave me alone.

la dee daa

Today I woke up at 7:15am with cute little text messages that instantly made me smile. Very few things make me smile in general, and during early mornings, even fewer.
Anyways, went to school, attended classes. I swear, I'm gonna miss this so much. The sara hua cafe, mr. sub, stupid printers that never work, vending machines that eat money off my card, the missing hawk on the floor, random bumping into people but always running off because u're always 'late' for something. This life is fun. Stressful, but then what isn't?
I've been buying so much coffee/french vanilla from tim horton's and I haven't even won a SINGLE free donut even.. what the hell! Someone in school won an ipod, and I can't freakin' even win a free donut. Talk about unfair. Khair, today I spilled coffee on a man in the bus. It wasn't my fault.. the man was in front of me, the coffee cup in my hand, open obviously, cuz I was drinking it. The bus driver braked and the coffee plopped out on the man's profile. His jacket, his pants, his sleeves. But the coffee wasn't hot. Anyway, I started saying sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to.. and I dont know what gave, but he didn't notice the spilt coffee and he didn't hear my apologies. Infact, he NEVER once looked my way! Soooo, I shut up. What he didn't know, wouldn't hurt him. he he he.
Also, I never realised wholewheat multigrain pizza could taste so good. so so good. And omg, I'm in love with cheddar rice crackers and jalapeno cheese. I also feel that my jeans get more snug by the day. Cause unknown.
Finally, watched The Departed. AMAZING. Had me on the edge at all times. I wanna do Leo DiCaprio now.
I'm in a terribly good mood which is being wasted. I wish u were here.

Making you smile, and making you happy.. has now become my daily high.

I, Ms. Selfishness-Personified, have slowly become so selfless, it's beginning to scare me.

What have you done?

Words

Words. Little words. Big words. Manipulated to express how you feel. Manipulated to rhyme in poems. Manipulated to ask questions and expect anticipated answers.

Words. Savoured, when pleasant. Erased, when hurtful. Repeated, when misunderstood.

Words.
The only thing that can keep you connected when you are miles apart from the people you love, that can make your incoherent thoughts coherent and vice versa.
The only thing I have to make you love me, and hold on to me.

The ONE thing I'd want you to use lyrically and romantically; keeping me in mind, and not her. For once.

The day you stop attributing your pessimism to practicality, is the day I'll believe you actually love me.

wish it would ring

12:13 am..

Listening to Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here..

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.

I'm checking my cell phone for the millionth time, for a text message, or a call that I might've missed in the one second I'd left my phone out of my sight.

12:21 am..

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year..

the same song's repeating again and now I'm relating to the lyrics and thinking of you and realizing what a pain the distance is being.

12:30 am..

I'm hating the time difference and the geographic distance and wishing all of this was easier.

12:45 am..

I'm still checking my phone, waiting for it to ring. right now. miraculously.

Everyday, I see myself falling more in love with you.
Everytime I tell you that, I see you falling more in love with me.
It's a vicious cycle of sorts.. and we're both so stuck. So happily stuck.

Reason #739484 why I love you

Rewind a year, give or take a couple of months..

You make a random call to me, and tell me to listen carefully.. and when I do, I hear Abida Parveen.. and I scream "OMG, you're watching and listening to Abida Parveen LIVE!"
and you say, "yes, and knowing how much you love her, I had to call and rub it in"..

You call it rubbing it in.. I see it as something that reminds you of me so much, you resort to crazy international calls..

haha, I'm turning into an optimist. great.

ahem.

It's extremely feel-good, beautifully delusional at times, makes you oh-my-god-so-this-is-what-seventh-heaven's-like happy sometimes, but really practically speaking, its a mind fuck. This should not be happening but it is. I wanted it, now I'm questioning it, but I still want it. Its a strangely haphazard mix of blissful, what-if and depressive emotions, which leave me absolutely stunned at times. Beautifully stunned. Delusionally stunned. What-the-fuck-am-I-doing stunned. Sad-stunned. Angry-stunned. Emotionally-incapable stunned.

How many people absent-mindedly leave the curtains open, switch on the light and change clothes, flashing themselves out to the world.
My state of mind makes me do that everyday lately.
Infact, I've done it so many times.. there might be a line-up outside. Tickets, popcorn, booze, everything.

Yes, I'm back. Messed up as ever.

hiatus.
nothing is blogworthy.
undecided.