potpourri of unpleasantness

So here's the deal. I'm feeling these weird unpleasant emotions on the inside all at once. They're making me feel all hollow and queasy. It's not my fault and although you've said sorry, at the end of the day sorry is just another word and moreover, it's a word that's been said so many times now, it seems meaningless. I wonder if I should be annoyed, angry, sad, depressed, irritated, sympathetic, pissed off, cold, or supportive. All at the risk of losing everything. I need to choose one emotion and stick by it. But I can't pick and choose because I just don't know what's the right thing to do right now. Why must you do this to me? I've stood you by everything that you've been through and I still am. I've taken you when you've been depressed and in the pits and a bitch to me. I've been there for you not only during the happy times, but during the bad times too. And that hasn't been a favour to you. I did it because I wanted to. Because I wanted to be close to you. Because you mean more than the world to me, cliche as that may seem. I should be telling you all this, but I can't because with your state of mind, these words will fall on deaf ears. The emotions embedded in these words will be overlooked and everything I have to say will be eyed suspiciously and thrown back in my face, leaving me to question why I ever bothered with anything at all in the first place.
When I was young, I'd promised myself that I'd never emotionally attach myself to anyone for fear of being hurt. But you changed the way I thought and felt, and that is quite an accomplishment in itself, considering how stubborn I am. Now I ask you, why must you make me regret? Why must you hurt me over and over again? Why must I give in all of myself only in the HOPE of just getting back a fraction of you in return? Why must I only be the brunt of your depression and why must the others still get your happy facade? Why must I only hurt, between the two of us? Why must it affect me to the degree of miserableness for prolonged periods of time, distracting me from doing anything and everything, while for you it's just an unpleasant phase that fades away in a matter of an hour at the most? Why must one little harmless sarcastic thing I say trigger so much resentfulness inside you, and all the sweet nothings and expressions of love mean nothing? Where did I go SO wrong to have deserved all of this?

No, I don't want you to apologize. Don't say sorry because this little word doesn't seem to curb the pain caused by all your other words. Sorry does not seem to erase the sinking feeling I get inside me everytime you reject my phone call, or when you tell me you don't care because you're so numb.

If this is a nightmare, it needs to end soon. If it's a joke, then it lost its funny a long time ago.

I tried. I really did. You just never gave me a chance. And every moment of the day, I wish you had. One whole-heartedly given chance.

I'm still trying. It isn't too late.