finally home!

I've been neglecting my blog. But I'm home and I'm ecstatic and jet-lagged. All I do is sleep and watch movies and tv. No academic stress whatsoever. It seems surreal. VERY surreal. It always takes time to sink in.
I've also started praying, which makes me feel so much more at peace. It's amazing how everything starts resolving itself.
There come problems and dilemmas and issues. There come moments when u start losing faith. But if u're strong-willed and hold on and pray like u've never wanted anything more than this one thing surrounding ur life, it eventually comes around.
It happened when I wanted to get into a university.
It happened when I had visa issues.
It happened when I wanted to pass my driving test.
It happened when I was unsure about passing an exam.
It happened when I wanted the desired grades.
It happened when I wanted certain memories/scars to be wiped out from my life.
It happened when I missed home and cried.

This time I want someone.
Please make a way out.
Please make it work.

I'm waiting... patiently.

Now that I'm done exams and pretty much school for the next 4 months, one would think I would actually have time to waste on things like watching movies and blogging and senseless browsing the internet. Hah, I WISH!

As much as I wanna go back home, I hate this whole process of cleaning up a whole year's mess, packing, buying gifts, getting all my documents in place, bidding friends good-bye for a while, and making sure I'm not leaving anything important behind in general.

This is all do-able still.
What I just can't seem to cope up with is all the uncertainty surrounding my life. Career-wise - although I still have an academic year to go - I don't know where I'll be after that, which is a little disturbing. Relationship-wise - I just DON'T know what's going on. I just thought it was all about voicing and making the mutual "likeness" known. Whoever thought that would bring with itself so many questions, so many doubts and just so many other weird situations. As much as I want it, I don't know how it'll turn out. I see glimmers of hope and then dark clouds and then glimmers of hope again. Uncertainty again, don't know what to make out of this. I'm involuntarily losing appetite and sleep and I know think it's doing me any good physically. People tell me I've lost weight, but honestly, the way it's been lost isn't long lasting anyways so I try not to be too happy about it.

I seek solace in music. Sad songs. Happy songs. Dance songs. Depression-type songs.
It is absolutely amazing how much every sad song relates to ur situation when u're upset.

Oh please, let this phase pass soon.

Confused, uncertain, locked-in emotions, frustrated, afraid, guilty, stubborn, sarcastic, arrogant, bollywood freak, badtameez, mood-swings, impatient.

All of the above describes me.

Please bear with me, help me, stay by me.. and I'll try to be a better person.

Just for you.

tu bin bataye

This just HAS to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard..
It mesmerizes me every time I listen to it.. and it's been on repeat for a while now..
I'm all goosebumpy..

[The quality probably sucks.. sorry about that...]

*edit*:

Movie: Rang De Basanti

Composer: A R Rehman

Singers: Madhushree & Naresh Iyer

Lyrics: Prasoon Joshi

So I have finals in 4 days, but I'm quite obviously preoccupied with other occurrences.
Study pressure is screwing me over. Mind games are too time and energy consuming. Uncertainty is killing me.

All I'm doing is listening to tons and tons of bhangra and other old-school songs, occasionally dancing on cheap gaanay such as "chunari chunari", getting random pictures taken with my girlfriends, not eating enough [which is working wonders for my diet], and getting entertainment from The OC, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy as well as a million other comedies.

With the exam doom starting on the 7th, the finance textbook awaits in a lonely corner of the room, waiting to be opened, waiting for the words and numbers it holds to be ingrained in someone's brain.
Not knowing however, that the certain someone has priorities, with finance definitely not being at priority number 1.

P.S. Rang De Basanti is amazing, and that is an understatement.

P.P.S. I FUCKIN HATE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!