invisible

I feel empty. Lonely. Like I have no friends. No actually, I do have friends, I just don't wanna meet them. Everytime I come across a familiar face at school after the summer, I duck and hide and wait for them to go away. Everytime my room-mate wants to talk, I pretend to be either tired or sleepy or busy with work. I want to be in hiding. I want to avoid everyone and even though its out of choice, I still feel lonely. It's stupid right? I'm doing this to myself. I have so much cooped up inside, it's making me all depressed. Maybe that's why I'm doing the "underground" act, because I don't want anyone to know 'incompassionate and cold' me has issues of the emotional kind. I don't want to share. I never share. Yet, I want to get myself away from this fuckin sword hanging over my head. It doesn't end me, it's just there, upsetting me. Everytime it comes closer, it scrapes and it hurts. It pulls away, but it's still hanging.
I feel paranoid. Like everyone's judging me. I hate being judged. I hate people who judge. I feel everyone judges. I hate everyone. Maybe I just feel insecure. Why must it always happen to me? Why must I try so hard? Why must I give so much and get nothing in return? Why should I cry over a chance I never had? WHY DID YOU FUCKIN HAVE TO FUCK UP MY LIFE?! Why are you still screwing with it?
and most importantly, why do I let you?

I hate you.

Atleast..

I wish I did.

A fullstop will never suffice for it all. Only a series of them... -zs

I wish I could close the book and call it THE END.

chance

“You're letting her think you're emotionally available, you're letting her think she has a chance and there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't”.

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, Season 2 Ep. 2

bah.

Aik to na, I'm sick of these aunties who absolutely CONFIDENTLY claim and predict how I'm going to get married right after I graduate. Like honestly, care about your own daughters, my mom can very well think about those issues and she'll definitely CONSULT me before making any predictions about my wedding. JEEEEEEZ!
I have a life, some ambitions, the goal of 'actually BEING someone' which I have yet to achieve and even if I didn't have to do all of those, I'm ONLY 22, so like.. give me a break will you!
And in any case, with the current happenings, getting married is the least of my priorities and will be for a very long time. Stupid gossiping aunties!
I'm really really annoyed at how some people STILL think girls, or even guys in some cases, should get married as soon as they're 'ready' [which according to them, is at 16 *roll eyes*]. Can they not see the evolving world, changing priorities and just generally, a more independant generation, who can pick and chose, make decisions and stick by them, accomplish something in life other than parenting, feel like they need to achieve something professionally, financially and academically?
Khair.
I played 3 dollars worth of Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade today. Quite fun it was, stress relieving AND good exercise. I think I might go again. Soon. I just need distractions in life. I think too much about things that are totally not happening and then depressive mode starts to show. Not good. Not me.

you still...

Taken from: http://www.gapingvoid.com/

Disclaimer: this post is majorly whiny.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm staring at the empty space, wanting to write, wanting to express myself. There's so much running through my brain at the moment. Stuff that is to be decided but left in the 'procrastinating segment' of the brain to ponder over later just because life is too beautiful right now and you don't want to waste a single moment thinking about something, that you know for a fact, will make you blue. Well now is when I need to dig up all that I'd been storing inside and seriously decide on what to do, regardless of whether it makes me blue, yellow, orange, green, black or red.

But I don't want to.

Why must our lives be so dependant on other people? Why must our decisions affect others? Why must there be so much interference? Why can't I have total control of when, what, how and who? Why do they make it seem like the decision is ours when we aren't even given a choice? Why must there always be pressure? Why can't we have enough space so we can avoid hasty spur-of-the-moment decisions and have no regrets later on? Why must every spontaneous step taken involve thinking it over a million times? And then soon enough realizing it was a mistake SOLELY because it might not be acceptable by OTHER PEOPLE? What about me, myself? Why must a decision include within itself everyone else's well-being except our own? Why do I have to pretend to like people when I don't? Why do I have to pretend to not care when I do and vice versa?

Why can't I just be like the lead characters in a Mahesh Bhatt movie? They usually don't have a background, or relatives, or anyone else who'd feel ashamed just because the girl is a dancer at a club or does something that's unacceptable according to the society's norms. [not implying that I want to be a dancer at a club etc but you get the gist.]

I'm just so frustrated. All of this might seem like random rambling but it makes sense to me. It's my life, my issues, my problems. Even the venting seems useless because all I have is unanswered questions, solutions to which are bound by restrictions set by social norms. Bah. Why does it all have to keep on getting more complicated?

Why do I feel like I'm stuck in a labyrinth awaiting Minotaur and no Theseus to kill it?

argh.

Was it Richard Bach who said, "If you love someone, set him free; if he comes back, he is yours; if he does not, he never was."?
I think it was. I'm too lazy to google right now. The quote is a famous one and it's stuck in my brain particularly because back in Karachi we had a huge wall hanging/poster/board with this quote on it and I would see it every time I'd go up or down the stairs.

Khair, so I've let him free, but he keeps on coming back, then he pushes me away, then he comes closer again?

So if Bach [assuming it was really him who said this] was alive, what would his profound words be, given the situation I just described above?

Takers?

'us'

merey kol ni..
heeriay merey kol ni..
dil mera le le ni..
aakey cheer ke le ja ni..

Rishi Rich is amazing, Juggy D matches the amazingness..

I love this song. For more than just the fact that it's very catchy and full of awesomeness.

It takes me back to random car rides, incessant unrepeated music thanks to the ipod, pretending to not acknowledge each other's presence, saying things to other people in the car while directing it towards each other, eye contact in the rear view mirror, unsuccessful beach plans, surprise show-ups, itwar bazar, drivery duties, non-stop text messaging starting at 8:30am with the word "morning" and ending at 3am or later with a "good night =)", rain-flood encounters, watching me fix my dupatta in the mirror and calling me 'self-obsessive' when I catch you looking, intentionally leaving the vicinity I'm in and then blaming me for not calling you back, looking all confused when ur phone beeps with my message even though we're a few footsteps away, arguing if the brown one with a tinge of black hair on his head is ernie or elmo, getting too close and then pulling away. Again and again... and again.

"SJ, how many times do I tell u, there's no US."

You tell me there's no us. But do u really mean it?

bittersweet

Talking to u..
I feel bittersweet emotions..
Sweet, because I thought you were the one.
Bitter, because I was wrong.

I feel like I'm leaving so much behind.

It's different this time. It's a lot harder, a lot more depressive, a lot being left at stake, a lot left unresolved, a lot remaining in denial.

The thought of coming back to it after a whole year makes me feel even more remorseful.

Why oh why couldn't I have stayed an extra week.

I hate being addicted to someone, it kills me.
I hate good byes.
I hate living across three different continents.
I hate having to leave.
I hate what-ifs.

I hate uncertainty.

Everytime I see you, my heart still skips a beat.
I hate being affected by you so much.
I don't acknowledge your presence, but it I feel it and it overwhelms me to an unexplainable degree.
I miss you and I hate myself for that.
What did I ever do to you?

How did we ever go from being mere acquaintances, to liking each other, to sharing secrets, to being such close friends.. to complete strangers?